4am sneaks in and wakes me by whispering old memories of you into my ear. I try to push him away, ignore him, go back to sleep, but he is persistent and every random memory pulls me further and further from slumber.
Almost an hour later I am wide awake and wondering why I remember that time you offered to let me use your duffel bag for that weekend we went away. Such an odd memory to wake up to, I think to myself. And now I’ll be thinking about it all day.
Curse you, 4am.
I thought I could do it all at once, let you go, but at 3am I realized making a conscious effort to do so only keeps you in my head.
I miss you. And the life we might have had if we’d met at another time, in another place.
I miss you. And I try not to but it presses on my heart today and makes me feel like nothing will ever be able to fix the hurt that I have no business feeling. And I know that soon enough the hurt will go and be replaced by warmth when I remember how happy I was, but today all I can think about is that you’re not here. That you never will be.
I miss you. And I know that I’ll never be able to let anyone else in until I let you go. And I’ve resolved to live with that. It’s just that sometimes I just need a hug. A great big everything’s-gonna-be-OK hug. From someone who genuinely cares. But that can’t be you anymore. And it’s frustrating. Because it can’t be anyone else either.
I miss you. And I don’t know what to do with that.
Tomorrow will be better,
I really just want to go to sleep and I hope by telling you, that perhaps you’ll let me.
Good night, my love.
Sometimes a random memory of you and I in a single moment flashes in my mind and I’m often so surprised by such a sudden and vivid advent that quite without meaning to I submit to a sharp intake of breath and by the time it’s time to breathe out again the memory has gone.It only lasts a few seconds but it is as real in that moment as it was when we lived it. x.
You light up my cold heart
They spoke of you out loud tonight. Like you were a real person - not just something I made up in my head.
It made me feel… lighter.
I miss you.